ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
