He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe