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her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
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