GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
