3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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