yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Actions speak louder than pants.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think i have herpe
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon