I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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