when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
thus making me awesome and them whores
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.