I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
