I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."