So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.