Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
