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I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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