we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
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see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
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just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow