so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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