Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.