He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.