He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dating After Heartbreak
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"