The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I need help removing her.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo