Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?