For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.