So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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