My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.