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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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