We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.