Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dating After Heartbreak
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.