I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty