my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.