Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
