so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.