He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic