you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's never too late to be topless.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
