My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.