Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
two words...techno handjob
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i dont even know how to be here