Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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