Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"