Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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