All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."