pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
