seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.