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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
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