ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
two words: eviction party
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.