You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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