I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
two words: eviction party
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Loading more great texts...