I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.