Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
