You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
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Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i'm home, then i'll come over
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i think i have herpe
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.