When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".