Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.