If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
