When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.